Dreamgirl

It's been majorly stuck in my head and now I'm listening to it. Besides, Dave just rocks!

I would dig a hole all the way to China
unless of course I was there
and I'd dig my way home.
If by digging I could steal
The wind from the sails of the greedy men who ruled the world.
Still you're my best friend
and after a good, good drunk
you and me wake up and make love
after a deep sleep where I was dreaming
I was dreaming of a

Dreamgirl
Dreamgirl
Dreamgirl (Yeah)
Dreamgirl

I was feeling like a creep as I watched you asleep
face down in the grass in the park in the middle of hot afternoon
Your top was untied and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.
You're like my best friend
Oh, after a good good drink
you and me wake up and make love
after a deep sleep where I was dreaming
I was dreaming of a

Dreamgirl (yeah)
Dreamgirl
Dreamgirl (yeah)
Dreamgirl

Caught by a wave my back to the ocean.
It knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again!

Dreamgirl, oh
Dreamgirl (mumble man)
The deep end...

"Once Upon A Time.....

......there was a princess. The princess was everyone's dream girl. Which is why, in reality, she wasn't married. No one wanted to spoil the dream with reality.

The princess didn't think of herself as beautiful, due to what the other children of the village had told her all her life. Not just the children. The adults too. Oh, they never said it to her face. It was always in whispers, around the corner where they thought they were out of sight and away from listening ears. They all thought she didn't deserve to be a princess, that she didn't deserve Him as her Prince. They conspired to make her feel unworthy, so that she would run away and never return, leaving Him for their beautiful but shallow daughters

Their plan worked. The princess, unable to take the cruel words and looks, fled into the deep and dark forest. She ran and ran until she could run no more. Then she forced herself to continue running. She wouldn't allow the tears that threatened to fall overflow. Not one. For she feared that if she did, she wouldn't have the strength to go on and that they would continue falling forever.

She hid in the forest for many years, slowly building a tall tower around her with rocks. Soon, no one could get in. So she stayed there, cold and alone, pretending that she was happy. She told herself that this was for the best. This way, no one could ever hurt her again. There were days when she thought she heard Him calling. But she stubbornly stayed in the tower, not daring to peek over the wall, lest she find Him glaring up at her with the look that she knew so well from the villagers.

One day, the princess heard voices outside of her tower. Voices and music and laughter. When she dared to peek over the wall, she discovered a band of gypsies had made camp outside. They had built a blazing fire. The smell of smoke and food drifted up to her, causing her stomache to twist and knot in hunger. She watched as they played music and danced and laughed and told stories. There seemed to be a group of leaders among them and occasionally, one of them would get up to speak.

The other gypsies listened with great attention to the leaders, except for one group who were constantly joking around. They got yelled at by the gypsy speaking on more than one occasion. But somehow, they also seemed to be the group that got the most out of what was being said.

After many days of watching them, not daring to let more than her eyes peek over, the princess was startled when one of the head gypsies came to the foot of her tower and called up to her to join them. His smile was kind and she could detect no malice in his eyes. But the villagers had been good at hiding their contempt as well. So she shook her head and ducked back behind the wall. Still, her curiosity got the better of her and she continued to watch them.

The leaders who spoke had powerful voices. So much so that she could hear them all the way up in her tower. They continuously spoke of a story, an overarching story, that tied all of humanity together. Intrigued, the princess slowly allowed more and more of herself to appear over the wall so that she could better hear what they were talking about. One day she almost fell from her tall tower because she was hanging so far over in order to hear. She decided that she was being silly and so ventured downstairs and outside her tower. (Not without trembling of heart but courage is not an act without fear.) She still remained close to the tower, running back in if anyone dared approach her. But she returned every time to hear about this magnificent story.

One chilly night, the same gypsy who had first called up to her in her tower approached her. Seeing that she was about to run again, he stopped and merely called to her from where he was standing. "Don't be frightened. I wanted to invite you to join us at our table. (He sat at the table that always got into trouble. In fact, he seemed to be the ringleader.) There's plenty of room and we thought you might be hungry." The princess hesitated. She was hungry. But could she trust these people? All her life, she had been taught that gypsies were not to be trusted. They drank too much and used inappropriate language and allowed anyone into their camp. Their mixed marriages were what had brought them to the bottom of society. Still, there was a kindness in their eyes that had not been present in the villagers that she had grown up with. Not to mention these same villagers were the ones who had told her the stories about the gypsies. If she couldn't trust them in one area, why should she choose to trust them in this one?

Slowly she nodded her head and followed him to the table. Everyone sitting there smiled at her and welcomed her. Even the leader who was speaking came over and said hello. Everyone was friendly and she couldn't detect any hate in them. She was still wary though. She kept reminding herself of how good the villagers had been at their act. Besides, these people probably didn't know who she was or what she had done. Once they found that out, they were sure to reject her. Just like everyone else. So she kept her guard up. But she always listened. This story, this overarching story, there was something about it. It spoke to her. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, something was telling her that this was true.

Her routine continued for some time. Sometimes she would join the gypsies at a table and other times she stayed back by the wall and left when the meeting ended. Regardless, the gypsies always managed to make her feel welcome. They even encouraged her to join in what they called a Love Feast. Even though she had nothing to offer they made it clear they wanted her there. Slowly, as they continued to show her love, she allowed her heart to open up to them.

One day she noticed cracks in her wall. They weren’t big at first but within time, large chunks of the wall came crumbling down. Soon, the wall was only as high as her waist. She still returned to it every night though, hiding behind what was left. Some days she would get scared and frantically try to rebuild her wall. Even then the gypsies were patient and loving. If she came to their meeting but stayed back by the wall, one of them almost always came and sat with her. They never forced themselves on her but she knew that they were there if/when she was ready.

Eventually she started taking part in activities outside of their meetings. They had nights where everyone played music and danced until all hours. She accompanied the ladies when they went to wash clothes in the stream or cook the meals. She helped care for the children. Some of the gypsies even had smaller meetings in their tents where everyone who came pitched in for the meal. They then would discuss ideas and thoughts that she had never heard of. But again, like with the overarching story, the ideas weren’t so unfamiliar because they resonated with her heart. She was allowed to ask any questions she needed to and they never laughed at her for them. In fact, most times the questions she thought were the most ridiculous were the ones the leader said were the most thoughtful.

She learned many things while she was with the gypsies. As a girl, she had loved to dance. But the circumstances of her life had forced her to forget about it until she met them. They showed her the joy that could be found in anything. Dancing, talking, eating, writing, walking, everything. And always, there was the overarching story. The more she heard about it, the more she realized that this story encompassed all of humanity. Her, the gypsies, even the villagers. And yes, even Him.

She had nearly forgotten about Him. Like her love for dancing, it had become necessary to block all thoughts and memories of Him out. Otherwise she couldn’t focus on building her wall. But now that her wall had come down, she didn’t have to focus on building or maintaining it. She was finally allowed to remember Him. She wanted to go looking for Him but was afraid of what she would find. If she had forgotten Him, who was to say that He hadn’t forgotten her? Or if He hadn’t forgotten her, what if when she found Him, He had the same look in His eyes as that of the villagers? She couldn’t bare it. The gypsies constantly reassured her that if they still loved her, despite everything she had told them, then He certainly would. But she would merely shake her head and say that they didn’t understand.

Spring arrived and the princess was still living with the gypsies. The gypsy leader, who had coaxed her out of her tower so many months before, and his wife had all but adopted her as their own daughter. One warm evening, a small gathering of the gypsies lead her down to the nearby stream. They told her that they were going to take part in a ceremony and that she didn’t have to participate if she didn’t want. The princess was apprehensive but had resolved not to run. These people loved her and she wouldn’t disappoint them for the world.

The ceremony was a strange one indeed. It was a foot washing ceremony. The princess was shocked. Only the lowest of servants in her father’s castle had been subjected to this humiliation. Yet the gypsies seemed to be happily performing this act for one another. There seemed to be no shame in it. So when the princess was asked to wash one of the gypsy’s feet, she agreed, still vowing not to let anyone wash her own. She was unworthy of such an act. When she finished, she continued to kneel, perfectly happy to wash everyone’s feet and somehow repay their kindness to her. But then one of the gypsies told her that he was going to wash her feet.

Determined not to embarrass herself or the gypsy, she moved to let him be near the water. As he gently washed her feet, a wave of love swept over the princess. It was so strong she could barely breathe. But at the same time, it was not unfamiliar. She had felt this love before. Long ago, when she was in His presence.

Slowly she raised her head. At once all of her best dreams and her worst nightmares were coming true. He was standing on the other side of the river. Quickly, she stood, ready to run. She didn’t want to face Him, face the contempt that was surely in His eyes. Had He seen her washing the other gypsy’s feet? Was He laughing at her? Did He believe what the villagers had surely told Him? Despite the war raging in her head, she couldn’t move. Everything within her cried “Flee!” But she was frozen.

He crossed the river and came to stand in front of her. Unable to look at Him, she instead fell to her knees, certain He was about to pronounce her judgment. None were more surprised than she when He instead brought her to her feet and lifted her chin up. Through the tears, she looked into His eyes, fully expecting condemnation. But there was none. Only love and compassion. The same love and compassion that had been in the eyes of the gypsies. She realized that they had been following Him all along. He had sent them to protect her and watch over her and love her, when she wouldn’t allow Him to. He hadn’t believed the villagers lies because He knew the truth. And now she did too.”

This is a story I made up while waiting for Maurice to reply to me on IM earlier today. (It was a loooooong wait. ;-) ) To all you gypsies in my life, thanks. :-)

More Thoughts On Humility

I feel like I got run over by a bus. Then that bus backed up and ran over me again. Then the driver of that bus got out and wacked me in the ribs with a baseball bat. :-P

Last night we went to dinner for my pseudo-mom's 28th ;-) birthday. We went to Smokey Bones for dinner and then took a short walk by the canal. (My 2nd trip down there!) Dinner was great. We had a lot of fun. By the end of dinner, my back was beginning to hurt a little but I figured I could make it through the rest of the evening. So we got in the van and headed for the canal. By the time we got there, I was in a little more pain but was hoping I could walk it off. (I don't know why, since that never works. Yet somehow I'm always stubborn enough to try.)

We walked a little ways and my back was gradually getting worse. I thought I could make it to the bridge we had said we were gonna walk to and back. On the way back, I kept getting slower and slower. Pretty soon, Sally, Sheryl (who were trying to stick with me. Thanks girls!) and I were way behind Maurice, Dave and Gaye Lynn (and Jenna! :-) ) They both kept asking if I was ok. I started out saying "yup", which turned into "uh-huh", which turned into a look of "no but I'm determined to make it back to the car without collapsing". Sheryl commented on the plastered smile I put on every time one of them looked at me.

We made it back to the car, picked up the boys from Ro's house and went back to Maurice and Sally's where I collapsed on their couch. Maurice gave me Motrin, which didn't do a whole lot other than take the edge off the pain. After I laid down for a bit, I finally decided I'd better get up and go while I could still drive. So Maurice helped me out to the car.

I have been dealing with this back thing for a long, long time. When I was about 7, I started getting really bad pains in my chest. I used to collapse on the floor (stores, church, everywhere), clutching my chest and trying desperately to breathe. My mom thought that her 7-year-old was having a heart attack. We finally went to the doctor and found out that I have scoliosis. At the time of the x-rays, the curve in my spine wasn't too bad. I wonder what it would look like now, more than 10 years later. Most days, it's not an issue. But every now and then it'll hit again and then I'm wiped out for at least the rest of the day.

Sometimes I wonder if God has allowed this in me to teach my humility. There isn't much I hate more than having to ask for help. My manager at CFA, Steve, used to get frustrated with me because I'd be trying to lift something heavy or reach something high while he was standing right there. I don't know how many times I heard the words, "Lauren, would you just ask for help?!" My independant streak is a mile wide.

Which is why when they asked me if I was ok, I said yes. And when they asked if I needed to go back, I said no. And when Maurice had to literally hold me up as we walked to the car, I wanted to pull away. Fortunately, that time common sense took over and I realized that if I pulled away, I would most likely fall. And getting up would hurt even worse. So I clung to him and probably left marks on his shoulder. But I allowed him to see me weak and hurting and let him help me. It was a lesson in humility.

I wish that I had that much common sense when it comes to clinging to Jesus. But oh no! I have to do things the hard way. (Shocker!) I get it in my little head that I'm doing ok on my own and that I've got this Christianity thing down and the next thing I know, I'm on my butt in the dust. Or my knees. Or my face. And all three are covered in bruises and cuts. But for some reason, He's still there to help me back up. Just like Maurice would have been if I had let go of him. (Of course, Maurice might have laughed first but it's the thought that counts. ;-) )

I want to pray for my pride to be broken but I'm afraid of what that would take. I could just be like a lot of "Christians" and see my pride as righteousness and a benefit of being "so good". But I can't because I know that isn't right. If anyone had the right to be proud, it was Jesus. But he lowered Himself. Not only did He come down to us in the first place and become like us, He ate with the "least of these". The prostitutes, the tax collectors, the fishermen, the adulterers. He ate with them, hung out with them, and even chose some of them to be His disciples. He loved them, corrected them, helped them up when they fell, and forgave them when they ran. Thank goodness He still does that today.

So is being independent a bad thing? Not necessarily. It keeps me (I hope!) from being one of those people who just sucks the life out of everyone around them. And if I ever have a boyfriend or get married, I won't be one of those girls who constantly has to be with her guy and is so needy and clingy that he doesn't feel like he has a life outside of "them". But I have to learn where to draw the line. Because there's a healthy independence and then there's just stubborn. And stubborn is what gets me into trouble.

So maybe I should just buck up and do it. I know that He won't break me and then leave me broken. That's the awesome thing about our God. He may break us but there's always healing on the other side. Now if only I could have the same attitude when I have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning! :-D

A Late Shout Out to Josh!

Happy birthday Josh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Shout Out to My Pseudo-Mama!

Happy birthday Sally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

Hmm.....

So this is what being loved feels like.....

I'm Home!!!!!

Just got back from the Sr. High Fall Retreat. No, I'm not back to being a sponsor. I was acting as nanny for one of the other sponsor couples. It was fun. I liked being able to be there and kinda hang out with the kids but not have the responsibility that comes with being "in charge". (Not that I ever acted that much in charge when I was a sponsor. :-D) It was also funny that I seemed to have a better relationship with the other sponsors now that I'm not one. (A big part of that being my attitude toward the whole thing anyway.) One of the ladies that I didn't think liked me very much was one of the people I hung out with quite a bit.

We did the skits thing again and I took Tim's place as Andy's co-judge. For one of the skits, the girls were the boys and vice versa so they were all dressed up in each other's clothes. Reid Morgan wore my jeans. I told Brian I didn't know how I felt about the fact that Reid could fit into them. He goes, "Skinny?" Heh. Jonah got to be in the winning skit. They did all 6 episodes of Star Wars in 4 minutes. It was hilarious. He sang the theme song and played Anakin as a little boy.

Both nights after the kids went to bed and the students and sponsors were in their meeting, I got to go outside and read and just walk and pray. It was great. It's been a really, really, really weird week for me and I hadn't had time to process everything that was happening. It was nice just to have time to be alone out in the open and not have 5 billion things demanding my attention.

For those of you who think I'm freaked about the guy calling me, chill out. :-) I wasn't reacting to him so much as to a different situation. He just got the "brunt" of it, I guess you could say, since he called right before I started blogging. It's still a little strange that he would call me but I'm not worried about it. (Yes Ian, he probably thinks I don't love Jesus since I said I hate men so he's calling to convert me. ;-) ) I do plan on getting in touch with him somehow.

Now it's time for a nap until church tonight! Bye ya'll!

I'm Complaining.....

.....for the sake of complaining.


My teeth hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@%$# wisdom teeth!!!!!!

Ok, back to acting my age. ;-)

Go Away Creepy Stalker Types!

This is getting old. Really old.

There is a guy that I used to work with who has been calling me recently. I didn't return the first call because, frankly, I forgot about it. But he just called again. Hence this rant. :-)

I have no idea why he's suddenly calling me. You could've knocked me over with a feather on Monday night when I got the first call. I mean, yeah we used to work together and we were friends but we almost never hung out outside of work. If we did, it was with everyone else we worked with. I didn't even know that he had my cell phone number. I'm not entirely sure how he got it.

Maurice thinks the guy has a crush on me and wants to ask me out or something. I'm hoping that's not the case. He's a nice guy and all but A: he is currently a few states away at a strict Christian school, B: he's younger than me and C: our personalities didn't click that well. Not to mention the fact that I don't know how ready I am for the dating scene right now.

Crystal was talking about having a sign on her forehead that said "If you ask me out I won't start planning our wedding or bite your head off, and I might even chance to say yes. Maybe." I don't know if I can wear that sign right now. I've got issues. I need to work through them. And having a random guy calling me is not gonna help things! *sigh*

Maybe he's just lonely. Maybe I was the last person on his list. Maybe he's realized that I'm right and that he's nuts for going to that school. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or maybe Maurice is right. In which case.....

*stomps foot* I DON'T WANNA CALL HIM!!!!!!!! But that's probably rude.

Am I too nice? I always seem to get myself into trouble in this area. I think that I'm just being friendly and somehow give off a vibe of "Hey, I'd like to date you" and then when the guy asks, I'm like, "Pffft! Are you kidding?! Did you somehow miss the "Don't ask me out" sign?" I'm pretty sure this guy knows about my whole "men are pigs" philosophy. It would double in strength when I had just dealt with some @$$hole of a customer. He was one of the one's who would always try to pick a fight with me about it. Everyone else would just kinda be like, "Oh, that's just Lauren." But he would get offended. Then I'd end up apologizing and say, "Not you. Just most guys." and he'd say, "Well, why do you generalize?" and I'd say, "Because saying "Men are pigs!" is shorter than "Most men are pigs but there are some good guys out there but since they all seem to be taken or not interested then I'm going to generalize and say that all men are because that saves me the trouble of A: thinking about why they aren't interested and B: having to go back and fix run-on sentences like this one!"" Yeesh! :-D

Maurice and I were just talking today about not letting myself get manipulated into dating anyone. I assured him that there was no way I was going to let that happen. Been there, done that. That now ranks in the "top 5 biggest mistakes Lauren has ever made" category. And of course he made some remark about being glad that I was back up to fighting strength. (ie. no more Steak n' Shake Stalkers. ;-) ) I learned my lesson though. (Why do I always have to do things the hard way?) I will not date someone just because I feel sorry for them. Or because they are "so in love with me". That's the surest path to trouble. If we're friends and I don't have feelings for you, that's not likely to change just because you suddenly declare your affections or something.

So guys, let me save you some trouble: in case you can't see my sign for some reason, I'm not ready to date right now. I don't appreciate being randomly called if I haven't called you or said that you can call me. (Or if you have a legit reason.) I am more than willing to be your friend. I am more than willing to listen if you have a problem (within reason. However cute I may be, it won't last if I don't sleep. ;-) ) I am more than willing to hang out, watch movies, dinner, dancing, whatever. But it won't be a date. And I can't be your girlfriend. And I won't be used as a stand-in for someone else. If I have given off a vibe of being interested, I apologize. I can honestly say that I'm not interested in anyone right now. That doesn't mean that you guys aren't wonderful. It just means that I need some time to get my head back on straight. To learn how to love and let others love me and take care of me. So for now, please just be my friends. Because that's what I need from you.

Blessings and courage!

Who Died And Made You Judge?

"God did not postpone judgment so that we could be judgmental in his place." John Fischer

I'm having a hard time with something. I don't know where to draw a line. Or if there should even be a line in the first place. How do you differentiate between correcting someone (in love) because they're doing something stupid and being judgmental?

Obviously the attitude of your heart is going to have a lot to do with it. If you're going in feeling high, mighty and righteous, you may need to take a step back. Humility is key. Remember that you don't have it all figured out either. To prevent yourself from being judgmental, perhaps you merely have to prevent yourself from being prideful. But how easy is that? Not very.

What if you do go in with all the love of Christ but the person still takes it as being judgmental? I guess that's one of those situations where it's then on their head. You did what you were supposed to do, now it's up to them to respond.

The reason I bring this up is I'm remembering a situation from high school. To protect the privacy of those involved, I won't say names although some of you may still figure it out. A friend of mine (Friend A) and I found out some disturbing things about another friend of ours (Friend B). We talked to an older woman about it and she encouraged us to confront our friend. After much prayer and deliberation, we decided that it would be for the best.

So we did. Friend B didn't take it well. There was yelling. There were tears. I can't remember exactly but I think that she repeatedly accused Friend A of being judgmental. I don't think she ever accused me though. And I can't figure out why. Friend A and I were saying the same things. I didn't feel like there was much difference in *how* we were saying them. So I don't know what the difference was. I know that there was no judgment on my part. Only fear. Fear for her and where I saw her going. I think it was the same for Friend A.

I wish I could talk to Friend B today and ask her what was going through her mind. I wish I could tell her that I wasn't trying to judge her. But I guess you can't always have everything right with everyone in your world.

God doesn't call us to be the judges of the world. That's like when a parent tells their younger child not to do something and then the older sibling jumps in to scold as well. (Not that I've ever done that...... ;-) ) He *does* call us to love it though. Maybe in our loving, we will make mistakes. But I think I'd rather be known as someone who loves too much rather than someone who judges too much.

Growth

God gets my attention in interesting ways. Sometimes it's through what someone says or does. Sometimes it's a movie. Sometimes nature. Most of the time, it's a book. I'll be sitting there, innocently reading, and the next thing I know, good ol' HS is tugging at my heart. (HS= Holy Spirit ;-) )

One of the things that I have been worried about lately is my growth in certain areas. I know that it's not unusual to have a "two steps forward, one step back" approach to...well, life. But sometimes I wonder if I ever really moved at all. Because the same things keep tripping me up. Whether it's a fear or thought process or just outright sin. I'll think that I've finally moved past it and the next thing I know, I'm flat on my face again.

I know that one of the things resurfaced lately because I didn't deal with it properly the first time. Or, uh, the second time. It started to become too much and so I shut down and stopped dealing with it. I distracted myself and didn't dwell on it. But this time, I plan on dealing with it fully. I want to be over this. I don't want it to haunt my dreams. I don't want it to paralyze me. I want to be free. Maybe I'll never be completely free but I want to be more free than I am now. Because right now, it feels like it will overtake me.

Then there's just my general fear/hatred of men. Sometimes I truly think that I am getting over it. Then something will happen and all my "progress" will come crashing to the floor. Leaving me to clean up the mess without so much as a broom. I want to be healed. I want to be able to remember not all men are jerks. Not all men use and abuse. Not all men use their strength for doing wrong. But all men *are* made in His image, just like me.

I also want to be able to lower my mask. I want to let people see more than my eyes peeking over the wall at them. It's hard to "love your neighbor as yourself" when you're so afraid that they'll hurt you, you don't let them in. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of hating. I'm tired of not knowing peace. Peace with God. Peace with my fellow man. Peace with myself. I want to be defined by love. Not an easy thing to do when you're shooting daggers at half the human race.

So as I sit on the couch reading, all of these thoughts and struggles warring in my head, I read these words written by N.T. Wright.

"How do you cope when the world is out of joint? When your world is out of joint? When people you love are at odds with one another or with you? When you can see people, perhaps people you care for very deeply, going off in the wrong direction while claiming that it's you that's heading the wrong way? The temptation is either to yell at people, or back off and sulk in a corner. That's not the way of being Paul....But what does it mean to be Paul in such situations? It means thinking into the problem and the pain of the situation you face, even if that means allowing some of your own raw nerves, some of your own vulnerability, to be exposed. It means being weak in order to be strong. We live in a world full of people struggling to be, or at least pretending to appear, strong, in order not to be weak; and we follow a gospel which says that when I am weak, then I am strong. What is our calling, then? We are called, simply, to hold on to Christ and his cross with one hand, with all out might, and to hold on to those we are givn to love with the other hand, with all our might, with courage, humour, self-abandonment, creativity, flair, tears, silence, sympathy, gentleness, flexibility, Christlikeness. When we find their tears becoming our won, we may know that healing has begun to happen; when they find Christ in being held on to by us, whether we realize it or not, we are proving the truth of what Paul said: God made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, so that in him we might embody the saving faithfulness of God......You will never meet anybody, and you will never meet any group of people, that does not need healing in some respect or other; and God will see to it, whether you realize it or not, that their pain and yours are often remarkably similar, so that all you may have to do, to share the work of Christ the healer, is to hold on and pray in silent sympathy....Whatever skills God has given you, be prepared to use them as instruments of the gospel."

Wow. I can't do that and hold on to my anger. I can't be used by God if half the people I "minister" to I automatically don't trust. I can't be Christ to anyone unless I am healed of this and step forward with determination, realizing that I will mess up and I will get hurt. But I can't do it if I rely on myself. It has to be Him. Because I've tried the other way and it just doesn't work. :-)

I've Been Tagged!

Aight, my little brother tagged me so here we go!

10 years ago I was...
- 11 years old
- hanging out with Afton, causing trouble :-)
- wishing I went to public school
- uh.......lol

5 years ago I was...
- finishing my jr/sr year of high school
- learning to drive (yeah, i was a bit late on that)
- running around with Jodi, Jeri and Annie
- stepping up in youth group

1 year ago I was...
- working at Chick-fil-A
- relieved that I wasn't at Liberty
- starting to really get to know people in Teknon
- starting my year as a sponsor

Yesterday I...
- watched Reegan :-)
- did childcare for ZPC
- organized my bank stuff from the last 6/7 years

5 snacks I enjoy...
- "get behind me Satan" chips (ie. cool ranch doritos)
- anything chocolate
- pretzels
- yogurt
- Dove ice cream

5 songs I know all the words to...
- 'She Will Be Loved', Maroon 5
- 'Whip It', Devo
- 'The Way You Look Tonight', Frank Sinatra
- 'Angel', DMB
- 'I Won't Say I'm In Love', Hercules ;-) (That was for you Annie!)

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars...
- buy a building for The Dwelling Place
- start my own half-way house (I think that's what they're called)
- go to Australia
- adopt babies from China
- give it to my friends with the stipulation that they have to use part of it to help someone else :-D (I think I've seen 'Pay It Forward' one too many times)

5 places I would run away to...
- Australia
- Florida (unless it's hurricane season)
- Colorado
- North Dakota (why? b/c I've never been there!)
- Portland, Oregan (go find Donald Miller and hang with him)

5 things I would never wear...
- a bikini
- hmm.......bikini is about it :-D

5 favorite tv shows...(this question isn't quite fair. none of my shows are on the air anymore.)
- Angel
- I Love Lucy
- Hogan's Heros
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Dr. Quinn (laugh all you want, it was a good show)

5 bad habits...
- speaking before I think
- blogging before I think ;-)
- over-analyzing
- taking phone calls when I'm with someone else
- grouping all men into the "men are pigs" category

5 biggest joys...
- The Dwelling Place
- my friends
- dancing
- Reegan
- writing

5 fictional characters I would date...
- ANGEL!!!!!!!!! ~swoons~ ;-)
- Jack Sparrow
- Batman
- Wolverine
- uh.....Prince Eric ;-)

5 people I tag to do this...
- my sis (Sheryl)
- my clone (Crystal)
- my best friend (Annie)
- my co-hort (Nicole)
- my twin (Kels)

What Is A Friend?

According to Aristotle, it is "a single soul in two bodies". Henry Ford said that it is someone who brings out the best in you. It's a gift you give yourself. A friend is "God's way of taking care of us." A friend is "someone who knows the song of your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Obviously we as humans place great value on friendship. We learn things from friends that we could not learn on our own. Each person has a story, life experiences that no other person can claim. And from these things we learn what we could not from any other person. Our lives are enriched by those we keep close to us.

Sometimes those relationships last a long, long time. But sometimes they come to an end. And sometimes it's for no apparent reason. This is something I've been mulling over recently. Why do friendships end? Or at best, drift. Obviously life changes and we have to adapt or get swept out to sea. But why is it that people move on, especially when there's not really a reason? This is something that I've just recently thought of and it's entirely possible that I'm completely off but here we go.

I think maybe the reason God allows us to drift apart is we are done learning what we could from that person and vice versa. You've fought battles together and been there in good times and laughed and cried and prayed and yelled. You've each taken something from your experiences together. But maybe we get to a point where we have to move on. It's not that you no longer like the person or you've had some big fall out. But you both need to move on. Because if you don't, if you stubbornly stick together and never branch out, other people will miss out on your wisdom. On what you have to offer to the story. And you'll miss out on what they have to offer.

Let's face it. You can only have so many good friends. Otherwise life just gets exhausting and complicated. (I'm not saying you can't be kind and loving toward everyone but true friendship takes work.) So what if you have to move on from that person that you've been best friends with for x amount of years because you have taught each other everything you can. And maybe that friendship with that person was preparing you for the next friendship. Maybe you wouldn't have been ready for the new friendship if you hadn't experienced that old one first. (This is sounding a little too predestination-y for my taste so let's switch trains a little bit.)

Friendships really are odd things. There are your accquaintences, the people you kinda have to be friends with, the people who you are their friend but they aren't really your friend, your good group of friends where you know acceptance can be found. Then there are the deep friendships where there's a special connectedness. Where your thought patterns become so alike that you don't even have to finish a sentence but the other person knows what you're talking about. Or they walk into a room and you don't even have to turn around to know that they're there. You can just sense it. (Kinda like when John jumped for joy in Elizabeth's womb because Mary had arrived.) I wonder what it is that makes each of those relationships what they are? What is it that makes you connect more with some people than with others? Things you have in common, sure. Similar life experiences. But I have quite a few people that I have things in common with or share life experiences with. The number of people that I feel that deep connectedness with, however, I can count on one hand.

One of those people doesn't even fit the description I just gave. This person and I vary greatly on many things. While we share a love of writing, acting and dancing, there are many things that we are complete opposites on. But maybe we are an example of learning to love someone despite whatever glaringly obvious differences you may have.

I don't understand how and why it all works. Maybe I never will. But tonight, I sit here grateful for my friends. You have all enriched my life in different ways. I wouldn't be who I am without you. (So if I'm annoying, you have no one but yourselves to blame. ;-) )

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." - Walt Whitman

"Friendship is always a responsibility, never an opportunity." - Kahil Gibran

"The best mirror is an old friend." - George Herbert (That one was for you Annes! :-) )

"A friend is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway." - ??

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

Raindrops are falling on my head
and just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed,
nothing seems to fit
those,
raindrops are falling on my head,they keep falling

so I just did me some talking to the sun,
and I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
sleeping on the job
those,
raindrops are falling on my head they keep falling

But there's one thing, I know
the blues they sent to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long 'till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
Crying's not for me, cause
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
because I'm free
nothing's worrying me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
crying 's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

I need Butch Cassidy to come take me on a bicycle ride. :-D

I've Been Swung ;-)

Tonight I went swing dancing for the first time ever! It was so much fun! Sheryl, Joshua and I went and met up with Crystal. Joshua and Crystal had been but Sheryl and I never had. We went early for the lesson. That was interesting. Helpful but interesting.

Don and Cheryl Bartemus were there with another couple from CPC. Watching them dance was absolutely adorable.

I danced with sooooo many guys. Joshua and I danced a few times too. That was fun. :-) (Thanks bro!) It was kinda hard to get used to so many different people's styles but I don't think I did too horrid. They were all very understanding. One guy spun me so much I was still reeling when I got back to the table. He was good and the second time I danced with him went better than the first but I was still dizzy. lol.

Swing dancing is definitely the kind of dance that you want a regular partner for. Because if you dance with the same person a lot, you get to know their rythmn, their patterns, which moves they really like. You begin to recognize body language and you can anticipate where they're going to go. That would make it a lot easier and I think more fun too. I would love to do something like 'Shall We Dance?' and go to competitions. Maybe someday. :-)

And I could make some spiritual connection about dancing but my brain is fried and I need to get to bed. :-) So no deep thoughts tonight. Sweet dreams all!

Just Call Me Josh!

Maurice is Moses.

Sheryl is Caleb.

I'm Joshua.

Lord, help the Israelites! :-D

(And now I have a Veggie Tales song stuck in my head. Thanks guys.)

Angel

So I stayed up waaaaay too late last night watching season 1 of 'Angel'. (Those of you who are responsible for getting me addicted to this, I don't know whether to smack you or hug you. :-) ) I've had it for a long time and Maurice is probably never gonna let me borrow anything ever again. I swear I'm not usually this bad. I knew that if I returned it and said I'd watch it later, I never would. And I'd already started it. I just wasn't in a "demon hunting, vampire slaying, blood and guts" mood for awhile there.

In my watching 'Angel', I have come to a conclusion. (And this is why I don't watch tv. I get dumb ideas going thru my head. Maurice, no comments. *glares menacingly*) If I'm going to get married, I need a guy like 'Angel'. No, not a vampire with a soul. (I wouldn't want to end up dead after his "moment of perfect happiness".) But a guy who understands moodiness and the need to just sit in the dark and brood sometimes. (Yes, I do this. My family thinks it's hilarious. They never know if I'm home or not because I sit in the dark half the time.) A guy who "helps the hopeless". (And it's all I can do not to quote Doyle right now. This is bad!) A guy who is willing to do battle with his demons and mine (eh, figuratively.) And yeah, tall, dark and handsome wouldn't be a bad combination either. ;-)

I've noticed a pattern in myself. The guys that I've been attracted to in the past are the ones that I see a "savior" quality in. And here comes the self-analyzation. I wonder how much of that is because of the stuff I've dealt with. Crystal had a blog awhile ago talking about how she wants to be saved but also doesn't give off that vibe. She gives off the "Back off, I can take care of myself, thank you very much" vibe instead. And, since we're clones ;-), I was sitting there reading it thinking, "She's done it again! She's voiced my thoughts." I have this deep feeling of needing to be saved or rescued but I don't want people to see it. I don't want them to see me as weak so I put on my tough girl, "I don't need anyone" face. All the crap that happened in high school? I don't think people ever would have guessed. I get the feeling Shane is starting to figure it out and I'm betting he had no clue. Because I hid it.

I hid it by being loud. I hid it by being crazy. I hid it by being weird. I had so many masks, I don't even remember all of them. But it worked. No one suspected. And I told no one. Well, I take that back. I told Renee. Because I knew she could and would help me. But I don't think I told her all of it. She got me out of there though. She came in and went after him with both barrels. Wow, I just realized how much I miss her. Anyway.......

I don't want a mask anymore. And I wouldn't want a guy who would let me wear the mask. Because if I'm going to date someone or marry them, they need to be able to recognize my masks and they need to have the guts to tell me to take it off. I might not always listen. But they have to be able to handle that too. And all this is why I'm not getting married. (Well, other than the issues of not wanting to be touched and being afraid of men's strength.) But I think I'm too much work. I couldn't ask anyone to take on everything that comes with me. Like I told Maurice last night, "I ain't that cute!" ;-) Ironically, this is how the joke between Bryan and me got started. I said I'd never get married and he said that he would marry me. But now he's got a girlfriend. So we're divorced. I should take half his stuff. lol.

Ok, I think this blog was ultimately pointless. I'm rambling. The train has jumped the track. Heck, I don't know if there was a track to begin with! But if you're still reading, thanks for listening. And if you're thinking that the 'crazy' and 'weird' masks might not have been masks after all, you're probably right. But that's ok. Jesus loves me anyway. :-D And now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an Angel. ;-)

The Hand Song - Nickel Creek

The boy only wanted to give Mother something
And all of her roses had bloomed
Looking at him as he came rushing in with them
Knowing her roses were doomed
All she could see were some thorns buried deep
And the tears that he cried as she tended his wounds

And she knew it was love
It was one she could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

He still remembers that night as child
On his mother's knee
She held him close and she opened her bible
And quietly started to read
And seeing a picture of Jesus he cried out
"Momma, he's got some scars just like me."

And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

Now the boy's grown and moved out on his own
When Uncle Sam comes along
A foreign affair, but our young men were there
And luck had his number drawn
It wasn't that long till our hero was gone
He gave to a friend what he learned from the cross

But they knew it was love
It was one they could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

It was one they could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

*************
Every time I hear this song, I keep picturing a dance. I may have to work on this.

Tonight It Hurts

Yesterday was alright.
Tomorrow will be too.
Today it was a fight.
Tonight it just hurts.

Barely gave it a thought
Until we had that talk
To my mind it was brought
So tonight it hurts

I thought I was moving on
I thought that it was over
I thought the dreams were gone
But tonight it hurts

I thought I'd been saved
I thought I was free
But right now I feel caged
So tonight it hurts

I could try to dance it away
I could dash reality
But it'll return another day
Because tonight it hurts

"Where are You?" my heart screams
I turn away in anger
You aren't there, so it seems
So tonight it hurts

Please tell me that this will end
Please show me You are there
Hold me in Your arms again
Because tonight it hurts

Please tell me that You love me
Please wipe away my tears
Let me know a moment of safety
Even though it hurts

I can do all things with You
You will strengthen me
I know these words are true
Even though it hurts

If You by my side will stay
I know I can forgive
So that maybe, hopefully, one day
It will no longer hurt

For All God's Worth

"We talk of 'taking up the cross' or 'having a cross to bear' as though God somewhat arbitrarily gave each of us some pain or trouble just to make things difficult for us, to stop us having too easy a life of it. Not so. Just as evil is more than the sum total of human wrongdoing, and just as God's victory over evil is more than the sum total of subsequent human loving, so our ministry of reconciliation is more than simply the words we speak and the physical acts we perform. We ourselves, as whole persons, are caught up in the process in ways beyond our understanding, so that our suffering, whatever it may be, becomes part of Christ's own passion, of God's own passion, and as such brings healing and reconciliation at levels and depths beyond our imagining. Our task is to be faithful to the calling of the cross: to live in God's new world as the agents of his love, and to pray that the cross we carry today will become part of the healing and reconciliation of the world. We will not understand in the present time how it is that our pain, our illness, our heartbreak, our deep frustration, is somehow taken up into the pain of God and the healing of the world; but if we offer it back to God that is precisely what will happen." - N.T. Wright, For All God's Worth

Could this be the reason? I hope so. Otherwise I'm at a loss.

How Are You?

Is there a more over-used phrase? I'm starting to doubt it. It always bugged me when I worked at Chick-fil-A. A customer would ask me how I was and by the time I answered they were looking at the menu figuring out what they wanted to eat. *sigh*

It bothers me at church too. (Although I'm guilty of this, so I can't be too harsh.) People walk by and as I'm rushing by and they're rushing by, the following exchange occurs. "Hi, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good!" And by the time the last "good" is uttered, we're usually at opposite ends of the hall.

I know, it's a reflex. It's a way of being polite. But to me, it's not polite. It's rude. Because you're being false. You don't *really* care. Or maybe you do but for some reason you just can't take the time to stop and really ask. So wait until you *do* have time. Because a lot of the time when I answer "good", what I really mean is "ok", "not so good", "eh" or "LIFE SUCKS!" :-D

And like I said before, I'm guilty of this too. Especially with those people who you're not really good friends with but you see often enough that you kinda should care. But I'm working on not asking unless I really want to listen. Otherwise, I'm just a hypocrite!

So, how are you? ;-)

Why I Dance

I've been dancing since I was 5-years-old. My mom put me in a class while she went to Jazzercise. (Ok, maybe it was more of a tumbling class at that age. But I got to wear a pink Little Mermaid leotard, so I was happy. :-) ) But it just continued on from there. I've done everything. Ballet, jazz, tap, modern, ("exotic" but that's a different story!), etc. It's the best form of exercise, IMO. Give me that over trying to balance on a ball and do sit-ups anyday!

My actual involvment in classes was sporadic. Ballet and tap in 3rd grade, jazz in 5th, ballet again in 7th, jazz again in 8th, modern somewhere in there, etc. But even when I was in class, I was using what I had learned and making up my own dances. This became something of a hobby for Annie and me in high school. We'd make up dances and teach each other and then others would get involved. I doubt any of us really remember the steps now but it was fun. Since classes cost money and I'm more than a little short of that, I still can only make up my own stuff. But that's fun. I watch others and learn from them.

After 15 plus years of dancing, my body is trained to move. It can get somewhat embarrassing in stores because I won't even realize I'm moving until 5 or so people have walked by staring. :-D But I hear music and it's like I can't help it. (Which made me standing on the risers in choir a little dangerous. Heh.) There are times I've wished I went to a Charismatic church so that I could dance without getting kicked out. (How *did* I end up in a Baptist church anyway?!) After the last cantata, Andi Hogan saw me dancing around on stage with Hannah and asked me if I'd like to dance for church sometime. I said yes but this was unfortunately right about the time I was transitioning to The Dwelling Place. Oh well. Maybe I can talk Shane into it, once we get a building. (I might kick someone if we tried it in the Mayes' living room. lol!)

The first time we went to USOM, Maurice and Sheryl were trying to get me onstage to read my poems. They begged, pleaded, cajoled, and threated to go up and read themselves. When I *still* refused, Sheryl asked, "Are you scared to act in front of people?" No. "Are you scared to dance in front of people?" No. But that's different.

When I dance, I lose myself in the music. Other people may as well not even be there. (Unless I have a partner I have to work with.) When I dance, it's the only time I feel free. I feel at peace. That's *my* time. God is never more real to me than when I'm dancing. (Well, except for being on the beach. ;-) If I could dance on the beach, I'd be in heaven.) Cheerleading was a little different since I had to yell stuff *and* move. But there was still an element.

I've been dancing with Reegan recently. I'm sure the neighbors have been highly entertained since the room we dance in has a big ol' window that faces the street. But I don't care. Those are my favorite moments with her. We have our fast song and our slow one. Eventually she lays her head on my chest and we just sway. I can close my eyes and pretend that there's nothing else around. It's just Reegan and me and the music. And Jesus, of course. When I think about Jesus with the children, I like to picture Him dancing with them. I don't know how accurate that would be. But that's ok. That's my way of making it real. It's my way of connecting.

So that is why I dance. To feel free. To feel peace. To feel close to my Father. To worship Him. A long time ago, I posted one of those surveys on my xanga site. You know, "Name 12 Movies You Like, 11 Friends You Have, etc" One of them was 7 Ways to Win My Heart. Near the top of the list was "dance with me". And I don't mean bumpin' and grindin' like at that wedding. That's a way to make me want to get away from you. But dancing like Reegan and I do, and letting me feel safe and at peace, that's a way to win my heart.

So maybe I'll never dance in church. (Well, while people are there anyway. ;-)) Maybe I'll never have someone "win my heart" by dancing with me. But that's ok. Because this is my form of worship. Singing is fine. Preaching is fine. Serving is fine. But when it comes down to it, if I can dance to express my love for Him, there is no purer way.

A Prayer for You Tonight

This is my prayer for you tonight, my friends. For those of you who are hurting or struggling. For those who have to work. For those who are sick. For those who are fine but just want to know that someone is praying for them. This is my prayer for you. Sweet dreams!

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work or watch or weep this night, and give Your angels charge over those who sleep.
Tend the sick, Lord Christ;
give rest to the weary,
bless the dying,
soothe the suffering,
pity the afflicted,
shield the joyous,
and all for Your love's sake.
Amen.

I See You Sitting There So Together

(Emphasis mine)

I see you sitting there...so together
But inside the tears keep falling.
I see the anger, the disappointment.
Inside...I hear a voice that's calling.
At night's end...you pretend it doesn't matter that
there's no one
waiting at home.
Well, I know that it matters, because I too
am alone.
Now for everyone that ever hurt you.
For every tear that fell from your eyes.
Here and now, I'd like to apologize.
I'm sorry for the many nights,
You spent staring at the phone,
I'm sorry for the birthdays, the holidays.
Just the days you spent alone.
I'm sorry for the other women,
That made you feel less than the queen that you are.
I'm sorry that he reached for the moon,
When in his hand he held...a star.

Here and now, with my soul...with my
heart...To you I apologize.
I'm sorry he never listened to what you had to say.
I'm sorry that when you needed him most,
He just turned and walked away.
I'm sorry for the first time you said,
"I'll never love again" -
I'm sorry for the first time you said, "God
forgive me...but I hate all men."
I'm sorry for all the times you needed to be held,
But he was never there.
I'm sorry for the scars, that no medicine can heal.
I'm sorry for all the times he swore truth,
But you knew every word he said was lies.
Let this be a moment of healing......
Here and now.........
I apologize.

I'm sorry he used your body,
Seeing you as nothing more...than a notch on his belt.
I'm sorry that no answer came,
When your heart cried out for help.
But most of all...I'm sorry he took you for granted.
Never realizing...the Strength...the Beauty...the Glory...
The Wonder...that is YOU.
But to you I say, "Don't give up!
God has something special in store.
To you I say, "Love is around the next
corner, Behind the next door."
And this time, God will give you just what
Your Heart is asking for.
Lord knows..We all make mistakes
We're only human after all.
Just don't be so angry that you turn your back
When true love calls.

In the News

This morning on the news, this story came up. I still don't know what to think. A 22-year-old married to a 14-year-old in Nebraska. Matt and Crystal, with permission of their parents, got married after finding out that Crystal was pregnant. They now have a 1 month old baby girl.

Just When You Think No One's Looking

Today was a loooong day. I had Reegan from 7:30 til 4:30, then I went to the church at 6:15 to watch the Hallal kids. The highlite of my day? Talking to Shane and Tyler for a couple of minutes on my way in.

During the conversation, Shane says, "I read your blog today." I'm standing there trying to remember what all I posted today.......oh yeah. That. :-) So I give him my incredulous look to which he says, "Oh yeah, I read it quite often." Now I just look baffled. He starts laughing and says to Tyler, "It cracks me up when these people who blog are surprised to find people read their stuff. It's on the internet!"

I'd found myself in a similar conversation back when we first started meeting at the Mayes'. I'd just been informed that he and Josh and Rich read my blog and when I appeared shocked, Maurice, Josh and Shane all assumed that I was shocked that they were reading it. I was but not because I didn't think they could find me or something. I just don't know why, as Maurice put it, four of the men I respect most spend any of their time reading my random thoughts! Tonight I was able to actually tell Shane that instead of sputtering something unintelligible like that first time. I truly don't understand why they bother. I'm a hack I tell you! :-D

Due to almost no comments, silence on the message board and some other things, I'd figured they had stopped reading. I'd figured most people had stopped reading. But suddenly I'm getting random comments on my site from people. Josh expresses knowledge of my involvement on the internet. Shane tells me he's still reading. I'm just waiting for Maurice to say, "Oh, by the way, Postmodernnegro reads your site too."

~cocks eyebrow~

Just when you think no one's looking.....

I'm telling you. I'm not that deep. I'm a hack. A wanna-be. But surely you've figured that much out just from reading. ;-) I have nothing against ya'll reading. Believe me, I'm not gonna post anything that I don't want read by someone. But if you reserve the right to read, I reserve the right to assume you're all insane. :-D

The Velveteen Rabbit

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
- The Velveteen Rabbit, In Humanity

If that's what it takes to be real, then bring on the loose joints. If stumbling through the valley is what it takes to appreciate the mountain top, bring on the valleys. If going through the dark night of the soul is what it takes to achieve a life of love, bring on the dark nights. I have weathered storms before. This one is no different.

You

I'm angry at you. I struggle not to hate you. Do you know why? Do you even care? Do you even remember? Do you know what you did to me? Probably not.

You've gotten on with your life. You go to church and work and date and hang out with friends. I doubt you've given it a second thought. I doubt you've given me a second thought.

I doubt you lay awake at night, haunted by images. I doubt you cringe every time someone of the opposite sex touches you. I doubt that in order to survive you've become so cynical you can barely get through a wedding. I doubt you've forgotten how to love. Then again, I don't know if you ever knew.

Did you know what you were doing to me? Did you realize the ramifications? Did you just not care? Did you care that I was scared? Did you care that I felt dirty? Did you care that I felt used? That I still do? That I feel like I'll never be clean again?

Because of you I have felt worthless. Because of you I have felt like I don't deserve kindness. Because of you I have wrestled with forgiveness. Because of you I have fought love. Because of you I am scared of men. Because of you a hug makes me tremble. Because of you. Because of what you did.

I hate myself for letting you control me. I hate the fact that you still have power over me. I hate that what you did can still determine how I feel. I hate it. I want to hate you. But I can't. Because I serve Someone greater than you. I serve Someone Who tells me to love my enemies. And even though I don't always understand, I have to trust that He has my best interest in mind. That somehow my loving you will bring Him glory. Because He doesn't make me feel worthless or dirty. He cares when I'm scared. He cares when I'm lonely. Even when I can't accept His love, He still gives it. Unconditionally. You took almost everything from me. But there is one thing you can never take. And that's the fact that I am His child.

Is That Really What Jesus Would Do?

Christian bookstores. Christian music. Christian radio. Christian magazines. Christian coffee shops. Christian mints. Christian television. Christian clothing stores. Christian schools."What would Jesus do?" "Got Jesus?" Key chains, bumper stickers, magnets, etc. We live in a Christian sub-culture.

Now, on one hand, I can understand why Christians would have created this. They want a safe environment for their families. They don't want their kids running into bad language, sex, drugs, violence. They don't want to run into themselves. It makes them uncomfortable. They're afraid that they will be pulled in by the "enticing sin lifestyle". They are afraid that their Christian testimony will be damaged. It's dangerous in the world. There are people who don't care about others or God or morals or anything.

So they've created a sub-culture. And in order to make it more appealing to "non-Christians", they've taken "cool" things from the world and made a "Christian version". Everything from music to clothes. However, all this has done is make the Christian sub-culture more appealing to........Christians? Now wait a minute! Wasn't their plan geared toward non-Christians? Maybe in the beginning.

But is that really what Jesus would do? If they really want to follow their little slogan, doesn't that mean they're supposed to be in the world? And I know that a lot of their basis for the sub-culture comes from that same verse. They want to make sure they aren't "of the world". But in the process, they've managed not to be "in" it either. Jesus was "in" the world. Wouldn't He want His followers there to?

After all, when Jesus prayed for us, He didn't pray that we would be removed from the world. He prayed for His Father to "protect them from the evil one". If Jesus had wanted us removed from the world, He could have done it a long time ago. But He hasn't. Shouldn't that make us as Christians stop and think?

Being "in the world" can be uncomfortable. It can be scary. There are people who can and will hurt us. But if Jesus truly is our Master Teacher, and we truly are His disciples, then we have Someone on our side Who those people cannot contend with. That's not to say we shouldn't be smart about things. But don't let your need for comfort and safety outweigh your mission in this life. Jesus must have thought we could handle it. That's why He entrusted His work to us.

A Hidden Wholeness

The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure;
the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair;
the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring:
these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings.
If we refuse to hold them
in hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain,
we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love.
-- Parker Palmer, "A Hidden Wholeness", 82-83.

Conviction comes from the oddest places sometimes. :-/ I was just talking about my doubts. And yet it's oddly reassuring. "The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure."

25 Before 25

This is a list of things that I have until my 25th birthday to complete. 25 things to accomplish before I'm 25. (Except for the first one. That has no time limit because then that turns it into another "checking off my good Christian things to do" list. It's an overall goal for my life.)

1. Love people to Christ.
2. Go to Africa or China.
3. Help start a church.
4. Write music for ‘Broken‘.
5. Be a youth sponsor for College Park Church.
6. Finish writing a book and get it published.
7. Live on my own or with a couple of friends.
8. Be in a movie.
9. Live in Australia.
10. Go on a road trip (either with friends or by myself.)
11. See the Grand Canyon.
12. Learn to play guitar.
13. Take a cruise.
14. Be a Disney voice.
15. Go jet skiing.
16. Volunteer in a shelter.
17. Swim with dolphins.
18. Go 4-wheeling.
19. Sing a solo.
20. Go rock climbing.
21. Learn to drive a stick shift.
22. Go whitewater rafting.
23. Go snow/water skiing.
24. Work in an orphanage.
25. F.M.C.H.O.H.I.L.

I have until October 16, 2009 to complete this list. And yes, the last one is purposely not written out. That's my secret one that only I know about. :-D

This One's For You Annie!

I received a request from my dear friend Adrianne Joy to update on my life. No deep thoughts, no rants, just everyday stuff. So here we go.

Work - going well. Reegan is taking nice long naps. We've settled back into a routine since I've been home. Tuesday was nice because I didn't have to be here until 10:15. That was a wonderful thing after traveling the day before.

I've started two new childcare jobs at Zionsville. Tuesday nights it's just two little girls. Wednesday nights we have 12. Well, we did last night. Last night was crazy. I was supposed to go to Drum Circle with Sally but I was falling asleep driving so we cancelled.

I'm also doing MOPS (Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers) on Friday mornings at Z-ville. My mom and I are teaching a class together. That should be interesting. :-)

Family - good, I guess. I haven't really been home much. (Shocker, I know.) Mom is co-leading MOPS with Jamie so she's busy with that and her pet-sitting business. Joshua has started taking classes.....somewhere. I don't think it's the Village school. Crap. Anyway, those seem to be going well. I'm glad he's in a structured class setting. He needs it. Mikayla turned 6 on Monday. We went with the Burris' and Broaddus' to Chuckie Cheese. I haven't been there in years. My cousin stopped in and he, Joshua and I were remembering how much better the old CC was. One thing that hasn't changed is I'm still wary of the giant rat walking around. Mikayla and Malcolm were both scared of him too. Dad is still giving golf lessons and selling bonds or whatever those things are called. He and Joshua had fun doing a racing game while we were at CC. :-)

Friends - good. I haven't actually gotten to see many people since I've been home. Maurice and Sally have been about it. Fortunately USOM is Friday so I'll get to see a couple more people. I'm hoping Crystal and I will be able to go swing dancing next Friday.

Church - great. We still haven't found a building. I think Shane's just being too picky. (lol, sorry Shane. ;-) We're still meeting at Uncle Dan and Aunt Libby's for now but we do need to find our own space soon. Anybody got a building they want to give us? :-D

Other stuff - Let's see.....I've been going thru Teknon withdrawl for some reason. (I have the oddest timing. 4 months later....) Everytime I pass Applebee's, there's a pang in my heart. ;-)

My grandmother sent me an "encouraging" email. Encouraging me to go back to school, anyway. *sigh* Oh well. What can ya do? Family will be family.

I pulled out my old Chris Rice cd the other day. I hadn't listened to it in a looooong time. I was kinda in an anti-christian music mood for awhile. (I told you, I go from one extreme to the other.) But I think I'm coming back to the middle in this area. Chris Rice is good. He doesn't just sing the little praise and worship songs that are on every cd. (Well, he didn't on my cd anyway. I haven't heard any of his latest stuff.) One of his songs really resonates with what's been going thru my mind lately.

Big Enough

None of us knows and that makes it a mystery
If life is a comedy, then why all the tragedy
Three-and-a-half pounds of brain try to figure out
What this world is all about
And is there an eternity, is there an eternity?

God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough

Lying on pillows we’re haunted and half-awake
Does anyone hear us pray, "If I die before I wake"
Then the morning comes and the mirror’s the other place
Where we wrestle face to face with the image of Deity
The image of Deity

God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough

When I imagine the size of the universe
And I wonder what’s out past the edges
Then I discover inside me a space as big
And believe that I’m meant to be
Filled up with more than just questions

So, God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough
‘Cause I am not big enough

Other than that, I've mostly been listening to 92.3. They play a lot of Dave and U2. :-)

Stuff on the message board is good. We had two temporary "flounces" but they'll be backl. ;-) Ya'll are missed tho!

Haven't been to USOM since Rasta Man but we're going Friday, so I'll let ya know if anything interesting happens. Maurice volunteered us to do baking. He said it was part of our "intentionally reaching out". To which Sheryl replied, "So you intentionally volunteered us?" and I said, "I think we should intentionally ditch him!" :-) Ah, family! lol.

Well, I think that sums up my oh-so-exciting life. Aren't you glad you read this? If you made it all the way thru, congrats. Have a cookie. :-D

Blessings and courage!

Restore Unto Me the Joy of Thy Salvation

So I've noticed that I've become really negative lately. Lots of contributing factors. (Not the least of which is I'm just insane and have this split personality thing going on in my head.) But that's no excuse for constant negativity.

The irony is the negative part is mostly coming out in the blogs. I don't think I'm being overly bad with people in person. But I was looking through my recent blogs tonight and was struck by how rotten I sound. In almost every one I'm either attacking someone or lashing out because I'm scared/hurt or letting my cynicism shine through. I'm not living up to my name. Sunshine. Ha! More like Eeyore. Eeyore's Gloomy Spot should be the name of my "happy place".

Maurice suggested that I've lost the "joy of my salvation". I think he was kidding but I also think he may have been close to the truth. I tend to do things to the extreme and that's part of the problem. Hannah and I were talking about right and wrong and I admitted I didn't know what that was anymore. Right now everything is grey. I know there is right and wrong. Without white and black, you can't make grey. But I also don't know what is grey and what isn't. I don't trust what I've been taught anymore.

Sometimes I wish my way of thinking wasn't so complicated. I think that faith would be easier. Instead, I have to hash everything out and beat the dead horse and figure out what I believe. Josh once said he sometimes wished he could be more like Jodi. I'm inclined to agree. That's not to say she isn't smart or Godly or whatever. But she doesn't look at every friggin nook and cranny of every issue like we seem to. She can take things at face value. Or my friend Debbie. She has a self-proclaimed "simple faith". I envy that at times. What is, is. "God says it, I believe it, that settles it" type of thing.

Most days I'm glad that I have the ability to think a little harder than that. But I also can't help but wonder if this "deep journey" doesn't take some of the joy out of the walk. Instead of merely rejoicing in the fact that God is merciful, I have to ask why. Instead of being in awe at God's creation, I have to ask if we're using it well. Instead of resting in His love, I have to ask if it's really unconditional. Instead of accepting what I've been taught for 20 years, I have to wonder if Adam and Eve are real people or if there's really a Hell.

I know it's a good thing to question. And just because I'm wandering a little, it doesn't mean that I'm lost. And hopefully the questions will either be answered or I will be able to come to grips with the fact that some of those questions don't have answers. At least not ones that we can know right now. Maybe I can come "to love the questions themselves". And I know that Jesus is patient. He's not waiting on one side of the bridge with His arms crossed, impatiently tapping his foot as He waits for me to make a decision. He's walking with me, answering what He will and slowly giving me peace about what He won't. There is comfort in that. But there isn't joy.

Or maybe there is joy but I can't see it. Maybe it's a different kind of joy and I can't sense it because I'm expecting it to feel like it did when I became a Christian 5 years ago. But it can't. Because I've changed since then. I think I've grown. I hope so. It's always hard to tell with me. Two steps forward, one step back. (Or some days one step forward and two steps back. :-/ My stumbling walk.)

Is it possible for your thinking to be clearer and more muddled at the same time? That's really how I feel. One second I can see everything so clearly and the next my brain can't put two words together. Most days I just feel confused. I know you're supposed to have joy in suffering. Does confusion fit in there somewhere? :-) For all those people who thought I had it together, sorry to disappoint. I don't. I'm confused and wandering and in search of joy. Joy that I may already have but am too stubborn or blind to see.

But I am going to try to stop being so negative. It's not healthy for me and it can't be fun for you to read. Sorry. The joys of reading the blog of someone who doesn't know which end is up anymore. :-)

Cast me not away
From Thy presence oh Lord
Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me.
- Create In Me A Clean Heart

Safe?

A friend and I were talking today (no, not Maurice) and somehow we got onto the topic of relationships. We are both frustrated/annoyed with the opposite sex. (Oddly enough, this didn't hinder the conversation even though he's a guy.) He told me he couldn't figure girls out and that's what was annoying him. I told him that I had guys figured out and that's what was annoying me. He wasn't convinced so I told him I knew what drove guys. Basically, sex.

He asked if that's what I thought drove him. I said I didn't know. I don't think so but time usually tells.

He then asked what I thought drove him. I said hopefully his relationship with Jesus. Even in a relationship with a girl, that should be his driving force. If he strives to be like Jesus and honor Him, he will honor the girl in the process. A girl would be safe with Jesus so she would be safe with him.

Of course this lead to my thoughts wandering. I started thinking about safety. Why is it so important? Why is that something I long for? I want to feel safe. I want to know that I have nothing to fear in the presence of men (or women for that matter). I want to be safe and secure and have confidence that I am those things.

But does Jesus promise safety? He prays for us. He prays against the evil one. But He wants us to live "dangerously" as Christians. So how does that translate into personal safety? Christians have created a christian bubble of safety so that they don't have to interact with the world. Or if they do, it's on a very minimal scale. They think that the world is what's dangerous. But that's a topic for another blog.

Why do I crave safety? Is it because it was taken from me a long time ago? What would really make me feel safe? I don't know if that's humanly possible. I can feel better. Reassured. But safe? That's a lot to ask of someone. (Kinda like why I avoid dating. Dating leads to marriage. Marriage is a lot to ask of someone. I can't ask it of anyone.)

I know that ultimately my safety lies in Christ. He knows what will happen and when. But there are times when I wish I had someone to actually hold me. Like after dancing with that guy. I didn't feel safe. I felt exposed. And I couldn't explain it to Hannah. So, in my typical fashion, I made jokes. I made light of it. I didn't let her see the scared little girl hiding behind the humor. I put on my tough girl, "nothing phases me" face. Because that's what I do when I don't feel safe.

Florida

Warning: Long post ahead.

I just put Reegan down for what will hopefully be a two hour nap. Hopefully it won't take me that long to write this. :-)

Hannah stayed the night on Wed. night because we had to leave for the airport at 6 the next morning. That meant I had to get up at 4:30. I told Maurice that I was hoping I wouldn't bite Hannah's head off since she's a morning person and I'm so not. I didn't. (I don't think.)

The first flight went well. We had stopped and gotten breakfast at the airport CFA so we hadn't even had to sit around and wait real long. Then we had a hour and a half lay-over in Miami. The next flight made us a little nervous. It was one of those little bitty planes that I like to call Planes of Death. Luckily there was only a little turbulence.

So we land in Fr. Myers and head to the baggage claim. When we got there, I recognized the guy standing there as having been on our flight. I'd noticed him earlier while we were waiting for the second flight. I thought he was taking interest but I'd managed to ignore him up to that point. It's pretty hard to ignore someone who walks up to you and starts asking questions though. So we politely chatted with him while praying for our luggage to hurry up. He gave us his card and said if we needed an escort while we were in town, give him a call. His card said he was a law enforcement officer with the Coast Guard. Right. (Maybe I'm too suspicious but to me, that seems like the perfect way to gain girls trust.) We grabbed our bags and made our way back upstairs to the car rental desk. From there we took a tram to the actual rental place (we had a very kind, chatty and helpful driver :-) and got our car. It was a cute little red Cobalt LS. The nice man went over the paperwork with Hannah and informed us that FL is passing or has passed a "no fault" law. (ie. you get in a wreck, it doesn't matter who's at fault. you're paying.) At that point, I was relieved I wasn't allowed to drive.

We took off for the hotel. We had to stop and make sure we were going the right direction at one point so we stopped at a little church. Turns out it we'd gone two more lights down, we'd have found it. The lady there invited us to their service Sunday morning.

We got to the hotel and got checked in. Then we went to find food and a Wal-Mart. (We'd realized we both forgot sunglasses and sunscreen.) We got what we needed at Wal-Mart and by the time we were done, we were starving so we went to the Perkins in the same parking lot. (There are about 10 Perkins in Fort Myers alone!) We got back to the hotel and took about a 20 minute nap, then got ready for the bachorlette party.

The party was quite an experience. Put the facts that I haven't seen these girls in a year and a half, I had Hannah with me and it was a lingerie party together and you've got a crazy time. I won't go into detail but there was definitely a hilarious theme to the party. Hannah and I cut out at 11:30. Old ladies we may be but we were tired!

Friday I went to breakfast and make-up shopping with the girls while Hannah scouted out an island we had accidently discovered the night before when we made a wrong turn going home. (We did really well getting around considering I'm usually bad with maps.) Then we had a frustrating half hour trying to get Hannah to where I was. We found each other though. :-) We then took off for Sanibel Island.

One word: beautiful!!!!! We found a gorgeous little beach with a historic lighthouse. We ventured into the water and you could see the bottom for quite awhile. Then Hannah saw a fin and decided to say, "Uh, I think there's a shark." So we ventured back out of the water. When I finally saw what she was talking about, I couldn't tell whether it was a shark or dolphins. Then I saw a few fins come up together, like dolphins usually do. I'm 90% sure that's what they were.

We stopped at a bunch of cute little shops. At one I bought a couple of skirts. I bought Shane and Lisa's wedding gift. It was a little wall hanging that said, "Marriage.....is finding the one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." :-D

For dinner we went to a place called the Mucky Duck. My parents had gone there many years ago and suggested it. Cute little place. Good food. We both had mahi-mahi. I told Hannah about my 25 Before 25 list. (What I could remember, anyway.) She's insanely curious about my secret one that only I know about.

The next morning we went back to Sanibel. (The skirts I'd bought I had to take back b/c I didn't try them on and they were a bit tight.) We found a different beach and collected more shells. We didn't find any bones like we had the other one. (Creepy.) Hannah started humming 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin. It got stuck in my head and became our theme song. We stopped at Dairy Queen and then went back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding. We took our time. Watched a Lifetime movie. I actually curled my hair. (Turned out to be a waste of time thanks to weather and wind but Hannah claimed it still looked good. Just more....limp.)

The wedding was on Ft. Myers beach. We were a little concerned b/c as we drove thru Ft. Myers, it was pouring down rain. Luckily it started letting up and by the time the wedding was to start, it was over. We had to take a tram from the parking lot to the beach. We sat next to two guys who introduced themselves as Alan and Brandon. We made small talk as the tram drove us. When we were getting off, I heard one of them say they were gonna have to show those Indiana girls a good time. That made me wary but I decided to ignore it.

The wedding was beautiful. Lisa looked gorgeous and so happy. I'd never seen Shane before. He wasn't quite what I was picturing but as the night wore on, it became apparent that he is perfect for Lisa. How she found a guy who would skip into the wedding reception with her, I don't know! :-) They were so cute to watch.

The reception was fun. Dinner was awesome! Lisa and Shane had their first dance, then Lisa danced with her dad. The dj then opened the floor to anyone. They were playing some very non-wedding music. :-) It was awesome. Then I got dragged out on to the dance floor by Brandon. Even that was ok. I was having fun with Nicole and Erin. Then I got dragged into the middle of the circle with him. Hannah said I looked like I knew was I was doing but inside I was screaming. I desperately wanted to run. "Bumping and grinding" with a guy I've just met is not my style. So I went behind my mask and shut down my emotions and got through it. Later we "swing danced" and that was better but I was pretty much done with being touched at that point.

Hannah and I didn't end up going to church the next morning. We'd had every intention but we were sooooo tired. So we slept in, went to an outlet mall, went to the beach (I found pink shells), went to Wal-Mart and went back to the hotel for dinner. We ate a half-pint of icecream and watched 'Return To Me'. (Unfortunately for Hannah, by that time I was in one of my moods and the cynicism was on high!) We fell asleep only to be woken up by my phone ringing at a quarter of mid-night. It was my mom. I stumbled back to bed and the next thing I heard was my alarm going off at 3:30 the next morning. Yup, 3:30. 2:30 our time. I think that's a record for the earliest I've gotten up. We gave ourselves waaaay too much time to get to the airport but that was probably a good thing. We got Starbucks when we got there and were greeted by Nazi Guard who rudely informed us that the security gate wasn't open for another couple of minutes. We had been seated all of 30 seconds when we heard someone say it was open. *sigh* I didn't say anything to the lady as we went thru b/c I knew I wouldn't be kind if I did. My kindness was in my silence. As we waited to board, the coffee kicked in and I got reeeeaaaally slap happy. Poor Hannah. I told her it was either that or I'd be really cranky. She took the "hap slappy". ;-)

We got on the little plane of death again. Smooth flight. 3 1/2 lay-over in Miami. That wasn't fun. Neither of us felt well and we were exhausted. Plus the airport was *freezing*! So we walked around and road the moving sidewalks and moonwalked on them and argued about whether or not there was a food place and played Speed and read and watched the news and tried to sleep. And finally, finally, finally the tram arrived to take us to *another* plane of death! Luckily we were in the front row so we had more leg room. Our flight attendent was really nice. She reminded us of Lisa Kudrow. :-) I left notes in the airplane magazine for the next person who read it.

We landed, got our luggage and my dad was waiting for us. (No weird escort service men.) We dropped Hannah off at CPC and went home to get ready for Mikayla's b-day party.

I think that covers the major events. I was able to stay encouraging and have fun for the most part. Only Hannah had to endure the cynical side. :-) It was fun but I'm glad to be home. Back to Reegan.

Now please, please, please leave me comments about your weekend!

Take That Spammers!

So I didn't want to turn on the word verification thing b/c I thought it would just be annoying. Then I realized something: it's either ya'll be annoyed by having to type 5 more letters or I get annoyed by ads for making me better in bed. Betcha can't guess who won!

So sorry to all you non-spammers but I've had enough. There is nothing so depressing as thinking you have comments from friends and discovering that it's spam. (Ok, maybe there are a few more things. But that's high on the list! ;-)

********
It was either that or join Crystal in her "eye-gouging, little asian man teaching, listening to cats in heat and nails on a chalk board" crusade against spammers.

Home.....For Now

I am officially home! We had a great time. The wedding was beautiful, it was wonderful seeing my Liberty girls and getting caught up, and the only person I was cynical around was Hannah. But she's used to me. :-) I have sooooo many stories but since I've been up since 2:30 this morning, they will have to wait for another day.

In the meantime......


Happy 6th birthday to my beautiful sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Mikayla!

(So she can't read it. So what!)

Sweet dreams!!