WHC Report

Okay, I am finally sitting down to write this. I've been putting it off because of how long it's going to take.

The fun started on Wednesday night. After working all day and then going to my dance class which had me there even later than usual, I finally got home and finished packing. Maurice came over to pick me up (since I didn't have a car because it was in the shop as of that afternoon), I made sure to embarass both him and my mother, then we headed to his house. By the time we got there, I wasn't in the best of moods so I had to promise Carrie Rapp and Debbie Kuhn that I wouldn't bite their heads off. :-)

How the 9 Hour Trip Took 14 Hours

We knew we had to be up around 3:00 so we could leave at 4:00 so everyone tried to go to bed. Carrie and I watched a little tv then she headed to her room. I couldn't sleep and didn't fall asleep until almost 2:00. An hour later, my alarm went off. The only thing that got me up was the knowledge that I could go back to sleep once we were on the road. We made it out the door and onto the highway around 4:30.

Things went well for awhile. Maurice drove the first stretch while us ladies tried to catch up on our beauty rest. Somewhere inbetween dreaming and wakefulness, I heard something on the radio about a new theme park being made the simulates what it's like for Mexicans to try to sneak across the boarder. We stopped at a rest stop and Carrie took over driving. We stopped at a McDonald's around 10:30 and got some breakfast. Had I known how long it would be until my next meal, I might have eaten more.

Next on the itinerary was finding the Detroit airport where we would pick up Ms. Chesya Burke. This didn't prove to be too difficult. We had taken our time in McDonald's because we figured her flight would be late if anything. Turns out she was early, which worked out perfectly because she called Maurice not too long before we got there. Carrie parked the van and Maurice ran inside to find Chesya while us 3 girls rearranged the luggage. I won't go into detail but someone please explain to me how the one male in the group managed to pack more than 4 women combined?

I asked Carrie if I could drive for a bit and we switched spots. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. We finally got out of the airport parking lot and, trying to piece our route together from two maps, got back on the highway. It didn't take long for me to say "Are you sure this is right?" When we passed the McDonald's we had eaten at early, I knew something was wrong. Deciding that we needed both gas and different directions, I pulled off at the first exit that seemed to offer a gas station.

"Why are we getting off on 8 Mile? Did none of you see that movie?!" Again, not going to point fingers on who was the one to get freaked out over this.

We pulled into a gas station, I jumped out to fill the tank, and Carrie went inside to get directions. By the time the tank was full and I was back in the car, Carrie still hadn't emerged. We all peered inside where we could see her talking to someone who was obviously giving her directions. And by obvious I mean it looked like he was giving her the Broadway production. About 10 minutes after she had gone in, Carrie comes back out, gets in the car, and takes her first deep breath of air.

Carrie: Oh man, did he stink! He smelled like crack and unwashed body parts and.....something else....
Me: You mean we just got directions from a crackhead?! This'll end well.
Maurice: I told you not to pull off onto the 8 Mile.
Me: Hush you.

Surprisingly, the crackhead knew what he was talking about. He got us right to the Canadian/US boarder. We opted to go through the tunnel instead of across the bridge. At this point, we were a little nervous because Chesya's passport hadn't arrived in time. Her only ID was her driver's license. I was especially worried because I remembered the last time I'd tried to get into Canada with only a driver's license. The boarder guard ripped Shane a new one and I wasn't too keen on being the one to get yelled at since I was driving. We pulled up to the booth and the guard asked what our citizenship was, where we were going, how long we were staying, and if we had anything to declare. I calmly lied my way through that last question and she said "Have a nice time." Didn't ask to see any ID at all. In a complete shock, I say thank you and drive through the gate. Then we sit there for a minute, which I'm sure didn't look suspicious at all, because none of us could believe it had been that easy.

Me: So, uh, where do we go now?
Maurice: I have no idea. I didn't think we'd get this far.
Chesya: Maurice, you owe me $50. I made it across.

We found another random guy to ask directions of and he got us exactly where we needed to go as well. Carrie and I switched spots again so she got to deal with the traffic jam we found ourselves in. Somehow we missed the exit we were supposed to get off on and ended up going too far north. We had to go up and around and come south. Fortunately Debbie and Maurice were able to piece together where we were and where we needed to be. Then we ended up on a street that wouldn't let us turn left. Finally, finally, finally we made it to the hotel.

Wondering Why I Agreed to this Insanity

We had to change the room to my credit card instead of Simon's so we could get checked in. Then it took us awhile to get upstairs because Maurice and Chesya apparently know everyone. We ran into our fellow IHWers (Michael West, Tracy Jones, Bob Freeman, and Sara and Bill Larson) who were going to head out for dinner. We made them wait so we could run upstairs and put our stuff in the room. While we were upstairs, Simon arrived. He'd had a hell of a time getting there himself due to flights changing. We finally made it downstairs where a large group of us headed out for dinner. We walked in more circles, finally realized we just needed to follow John Hay, and found the Hard Rock Cafe.

By this time, I'm about ready to keel over with hunger. It had been 9 1/2 hours since I'd had McDonald's and my stomach was not happy about that. I'm not sure if the food was really as good as it seemed or if I was just that hungry but I'm betting it was the latter.

We went back to the hotel and kind of wandered around. There were some room parties but they were very cramped and very hot so Carrie and I ducked out pretty quickly. She was still waiting on her roommate, Wrath James White, to arrive so that she could get checked into their room. Like Simon, Wrath had had some flight problems as well. (Apparently there is more than one Ontario.) He finally arrived around 11:30 or so. Carrie and I ran her stuff up to their room, then we found Maurice and that crew and headed to the hotel bar. By this time, I was fairly ready to crash so I said goodnight and headed upstairs. Hoping against hope I could be asleep before Maurice, Chesya, and Simon made their way up. Maurice had warned me that I wouldn't get much sleep. Not to long after I climbed into bed and turned on the tv, Mo and Chesya came in. Simon followed a little while later. They kept me up until probably 3 or 4. At least they were entertaining. :-)

Day Two: Sushi, Books, and How Wrath Grossed Me Out

The next day I slept in. Simon was up and moving before any of us. Maurice was up pretty early too. Chesya and I took our time. We went downstairs to find breakfast and ran into Debbie who was also looking for food. The 3 of us ventured into the mall that was attached to the hotel and found a nice little Starbucks wanna-be. After we ate, I wandered off to explore. I ran into Carrie in the artist's room and looked around with her. Eventually we found our group and decided where to go for lunch. Yay sushi! After lunch, we went to the World's Largest Bookstore. Also known as Lauren Heaven. :-) I stopped myself from buying all the books. It was here that Wrath found out about someone's "baby-mama-drama" book and proceeded to follow him around the store laughing at him.

That night was the booksigning. Maurice and Brian Keene are the only ones that I know for sure took part in it. I didn't stick around long. I went down to say hi to Maurice and took a couple of pictures, then I took off to hang out with Wrath. I had no books for anyone to sign and the only people I particularly cared about, I'd be seeing at Mo*Con II anyway. Also going on that night was the Gross Out contest. I talked Wrath into reading his story to me ahead of time so I'd be a little more prepared. It was......gross. For sure. We went to the actual contest and Maurice, Chesya and I stood in the back. Maurice had a panel (with his friend Lucien Soulban) that he had to be on so he only stayed long enough to hear Wrath's story. Carrie was a bouncer and she was definitely the most badass one up there. I managed to make it through 4 or 5 gross stories but I was done when one guy started talking about putting needles in his eyeballs. So I went to hear Maurice's panel discussion. When I heard everyone from the gross out spilling out into the hall, I went and grabbed our people so they could come listen to the panel as well.

Simon Says

After that, I think we hit the room parties again but I was ready to change into my pjs so I headed upstairs. Once again followed closely by Maurice and Chesya. This time I manged to fall asleep for a little bit until Simon came in.

Maurice: Oh sure, she'll wake up for Simon!
Me: Not my choice. He's apparently louder than you two.

I got my second wind and this time we were all up until 6 in the morning. Some classic Simon Wood quotes were: "Chesya, you smell like carrots." "Maurice Broaddus? Who the f*ck is he?"

Look Scary

We finally went to sleep and I woke up around noon. I let them clear out before I showered and got ready. I went downstairs and ran into Wrath, who hadn't eaten lunch either, then found Carrie and Jason Sizemore who also were looking to get out of the hotel. The four of us found a place called Great Eggspectations which was pretty good. Then Carrie and I had fun taking pictures of the guys outside of some......questionable places. I was standing in the doorway of one, trying to block the wind, and Wrath pulled me out and goes "Get out of there before someone thinks you work there." :-D Then we're walking along and he looks down at me and says "Try to look scary." Which, next to him, I look about as scary as a sleeping kitten. So I just cracked up laughing.

The Stoker's

We arrived at the hotel and split up, Carrie and Wrath to their room, and Jason came up with me because he had left his stuff in our room. (He was staying at a different hotel.) Maurice and Chesya were in the room so they sat around talking while I gathered up my stuff to go work on Carrie's hair. That night was the Stoker's Awards banquet so we were all getting dressed up. Carrie also had an artists thing to go to beforehand. I went upstairs and did my best to make her hair look pretty enough to match her dress. :-) Then I went back to my room so I could lay down for a bit before I had to get all dressed up. Jason, who was a nominee for the award, had taken off to get ready and Maurice and Chesya were resting as well. We decided to go to dinner at about 7:30 so I phoned Wrath to let him know. Then Maurice and I got dressed and headed downstairs where we found John and Rebecca Hay in the lounge area. One by one more people started joining us until we had pretty much taken over the entire space. We asked to be moved to the dining room and our wonderful waitress put together 4 or 5 tables for us.

After dinner, we went down to the awards ceremony. I felt like I was at the Oscars with everyone so dressed up. Once the ceremony was over, we all went back up to the lounge area and pretty much took it over again. I was reintroduced to Gary Braunbeck and Lucy Snyder, whom I had met at Context last year. I was sooo tired but I didn't want to go to bed because I knew the next day we'd have to leave. We finally went up to bed around 2 and this time we all nodded off pretty quickly.

Only. Chesya. Burke.

The next morning the 3 of them got up and went to breakfast. I showered and then went downstairs as they were finishing up. We sat around talking for a bit, then went back up to finish packing and start dragging everything downstairs. We ended up being in the lobby for a bit, then it was time to say good-bye and load up the van. I said bye to Wrath and Simon (scolded Simon for not coming to Mo*Con II), then John and Rebecca helped us load everything in and we said bye to them.

Maurice had gotten directions from someone who worked at the hotel. Of course we still managed to get lost. We finally made it to the boarder (acorss the bridge this time) and got in line. Chesya had had her husband send copies of her birth certificate and passport through a fax but I was convinced they weren't going to let her through on copies. We got more worried as we realized that the line we picked had the guard who was searching everyone.

Me: Quick! Change lanes!
Maurice: Yeah, that won't look suspicious.

Chesya's flight was leaving in 20 minutes. We finally make it up to the booth. Chesya hands him our passports and her driver's license. He asks us the normal questions and asks Chesya why she doesn't have a passport. She explains and hands him the copies. The picture of her was barely recognizable. The guard says "That doesn't look much like you, does it?" "No." "Well, I believe you." He hands her our stuff and says "Have a nice day." We drive into the United States. Chesya now has 12 minutes to make it to the airport. We are flying down the interstate. I dig her suitcase out from underneath everyone else's so we can just toss it out when we get there. We go zooming up the ramp and screech to a halt in front of the gate. She jumps out, we toss her her bag, and off she goes. Carrie gets in the driver's seat and we pull away, perfectly happy to go the speed limit and stay in one lane for a minute. Not two minutes down the road, Maurice's cell phone starts buzzing. Chesya had left her wallet and driver's license in the van. We turn around and go back. Maurice runs it inside. We're all thinking "There is no way that woman is making her flight. She has two minutes." We stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. Maurice comes in and says "She made her flight." Flabbergasted, we all get back in the car. Apparently she got back in line and started yelling "My flight leaves in 2 minutes! Who is going to let me in front of them? I'm going to miss my flight!" She gets to the front of the line, gets through security, doesn't even bother putting her shoes back on, goes running through the airport like O.J. and gets on her flight to the applause of both crew and passengers.

Only. Chesya. Burke.

The rest of us finally made it home after driving in the wrong direction for 20 minutes. This time the 9 hour trip only took 12 hours.

All in all, it was a blast. I don't know that I'll ever do it again but I'm so glad I went this time. It was a memorable experience. As Simon wrote when he signed his book for me, I'm a "bloodied WHCer now." :-)

See you all at Mo*Con II!