Put Your Name in A Comment.....

1. I'll respond with something random about you

2. I'll challenge you to try something

3. I'll pick a color that associates with you

4. I'll tell you something I like about you

5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of

7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours...

Here's To All the Walking Wounded.....

to those still carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside;

to those who feel rejected and lonely;

to those who woke up with a dull ache inside;

to those who are wondering where God is in the midst of their deep pain;

to those whose past wounds have been pulled open yet again;

to those weary and worn out and longing for some place called home;

to those in the darkness who can't seem to find the light;

to those who wonder if they will ever find love;

to those who feel misunderstood;

to the abandoned and discarded;

to those who feel they are running out of reasons to get out of bed each morning;

to those in the clutches of depression;

to those who are smiling on the outside but dying on the inside;

to those suffering in silence.

Here's to all the walking wounded......

Merry Christmas.

(Taken from Jim Palmer's blog.)

2007 Recap

Stolen from the lovely Alethea Kontis.

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR

Oh man. Ro. Jenn. Rob. Rich. Maurice. Shane. Kristen. Sally. (And don't I sound like the little drunkard.....)

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) -

Annie. Always Annie. *hugs*

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?

Rob. He's a sweetheart.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?

Returning to dance after a long absence.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?

Oh, there are so many to choose from. Why is the bad so much more easily remembered than the good? I'd say the past couple of months have been the low point.

6) BEST HOLIDAY?

The one where everyone was happy and healthy and relatively okay with life. Wait, have we had one of those yet? ;-)

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2007

'Defying Gravity' from the musical 'Wicked'

8) MOVIE FOR 2007?

NOT 'The Mist'. *scowls* 'The Departed'

9) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?

You really expect me to remember that long ago? I have no idea. Probably myself. And I'm the best company. :-D

10) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN

A pseudo-parent. And a darn cute one!

11) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?

TGIF Fridays or the place we ate sushi at in Canada

12) BOOK OF THE YEAR?

'Romance God's Way: When God Writes Your Love Story'

Just kidding! :-) 'God on Mute' for non-fiction and Simon Wood's 'Accidents Waiting to Happen' for fiction

13) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?

The decision to quit my bloody awful job and become a full-time student.

14) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?

School full-time, Mo*Con III, work on my book........that's about as far as I've gotten.

15) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK

I plead the 5th

16) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?

Gilmore Girls! (I'd say Lost but they've just pissed me off.)

17) MOST LOYAL FRIEND OF 2007?

I have the best friends in the world. They are all fantastic.

18) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?

I switched jobs 3 times. :-P

19) BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD?

I plead the 5th :-D

20) NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS?

To continue to do my best in school and work hard to get done. To be the best friend, daughter, and sister I can be. To live as my True Self instead of my False self. To be the change I wish to see in the world.

The Art of Forgiveness Pt. 2

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. - Gandhi

At my last job, I found myself in a conversation which left me positively stunned. I have grown up my entire life around people who believe that forgiveness is a good thing. Even if it isn't always given, these people would say that it is a good thing to be able to do. Hate and bitterness corrupt and make people cold. Forgiveness frees you of this.

So I'm sitting at lunch with my boss and 3 of my co-workers who are giving me grief about never having dating. I keep trying to explain to them that I'm happy being single and they aren't buying it. "No one is happy being single. Blah, blah, blah." (I'll blog about *that* ridiculous conversation another time.) So finally I tell them that I was abused and that I have no interest in putting myself in another situation like that. Usually that shuts people up and they feel bad for pressing me but oh no. Not this group.

My boss said he didn't think that it was healthy to not date because of the abuse and I, misunderstanding where he was going with it, said "Oh, I've forgiven the guy." Apparently this isn't what he meant because he proceeds to lecture me on being sure that I had forgiven him because I wanted to and not just because I had been told it was the right thing to do.

I couldn't even argue because I was so stunned by what I was hearing. At first I wasn't sure he was serious. But as he kept talking, I realized that he most definitely was. Once I got my bearings back (which was unfortunately after I had left work for the day and we never brought the topic up again), I wanted to ask him "When, exactly, is forgiving easy? When is it something that you *want* to do?"

I'm not talking about forgiving the McDonald's employee who screwed up your order. (Although even that is a feat for some people........) I'm talking about people who have truly done you wrong. How easy do you think it was for the Jews to forgive the Nazis? How easy is it for people who lost loved ones on Sept. 11th to forgive the terrorists? How easy is it for the Rwandans to forgive their neighbors who tried to wipe them out? How easy was it for Jesus to forgive us? Do you think they wanted to?

Something that I constantly have to tell my preschoolers is sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. Because it is the right thing to do. Because it will free you. Sometimes forgiveness isn't about the other person. Sometimes it's about allowing yourself to heal and to move on. Oprah quoted someone on her show by saying "Refusing to forgive is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Forgiveness is not about showing what a good person you are. It's not about being righteous. It's not even about pleasing God some of the time. Sometimes it is simply about wanting to free yourself of any further damage. "This person has harmed me long enough. No more." Hating someone doesn't hurt them. It hurts you. It twists your insides and makes them ugly. And what is on the inside eventually finds its way out. Even when you don't mean for it to.

It took me a long time to be able to forgive the person who hurt me. This isn't something I did because the church pressured me or anything like that. (Once again, people assuming that I can't think for myself.) It is because I made the choice to forgive them. I chose to let go of the pain and the hate. Do I still have moments where these things coming rushing back? Yes. But I choose not to dwell on them and to pray them back to God. Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice. One that you have to make for yourself. No one can make you forgive. They can make you say that you have but only you know in your heart of hearts if you have.

Are you going to swallow that poison?

*********************************

Before I get a flurry of comments about how I shouldn't live in fear and that I shouldn't hide behind the abuse, relax. It's true that some of my hesitancy comes from this but I have plenty more reasons for why I choose not to date. But that's for another blog.

I Believe in Love Despite Hate

When Maurice asked me if I wanted to do Follow the North Star with him, I readily agreed. It's something I had heard about in Jr. high or high school and had wanted to do but never got around to it. We got the tickets a few weeks in advance because the last time we tried, they sold out. I put it in the back of my mind and more or less forgot about it.

The week of, we start talking about it and I get a little nervous. Maurice tells me that he has purposely chosen the latest time we could go and the coldest night of the week. Trying to make the experience "as real as possible". Then the day rolls around and I go over to hang out before we head to Conner Prairie. They had sent us a liability form to sign and a packet explaining that they wouldn't be held responsible for any injuries directly or indirectly caused by this event which for foreseeable or unforeseeable. Then Maurice mentions that the last time he went there was a man riding a horse who could lasso the runaway slaves. i.e. US! Needless to say, by the time we were leaving, my stomach was in knots.

We get there and get stuck with a group of teenagers who were there for an extra credit assignment or something. One of the staff takes the group upstairs to a room where we watch a video about real runaways. Then they hand out these long white strips of cloth and tell us that if we get tired of being verbally abused, all we have to do is tie the string around our head and we will become "invisible". I was clutching that string for dear life. I had just started to feel better when they tell us that the only real threats are the coyotes and the skunks. Maurice, who had been laughing at me the entire day, just laughed some more when I scowled at him over this new bit of information.

They lead us back downstairs and out into the cold. We walked and our "guide" talked about the history behind all of it. I was clutching Maurice's arm with one hand and my piece of string with the other. Then I decided to tuck the string into my glove where it would be safe and wouldn't fall out. We finally get to a place where we stop and our "guide" leaves us, telling us our owner will be along to collect us shortly and that we will then be sold.

The first thing that happens is a gun goes off behind us. A man who had been hidden in the shadows walks up and begins barking orders. He has us get into two lines. Now, the entire day, I had been telling Maurice "Don't you *dare* leave me. You better not get caught and leave me by myself. Don't you leave me." So what's the first thing that happens? Our owner separates us into "bucks" (the boys) and "breeders" (the girls). Then he gets us in a line and we are marched down the hill to a campfire where the people we are being sold to are waiting.

A woman and two men walk up and down our lines, asking questions and yelling when we don't give the correct answer. (Which, there were no correct answers.) I was asked what kind of work I could do and I said "Anything you need, Ma'am." The lady said, "Well, I know that girlie. I'm gonna own you. You'll do whatever I tell you to, won't you?" "Yes Ma'am." "So what kind of work can you do?" "Field work, Ma'am." "Field work? Let me see those hands. Take off those gloves. Probably stole those from someone." At this point, I almost panicked. I did NOT want to lose my string and it was tucked in my glove. Fortunately I got them off and still held onto the string.

They decided to buy us and took us up a hill to a pile of wood and told us to make a new pile. They had the girls running the wood back and forth and they had Maurice and the other boy just standing there holding pieces of wood out in front of them. Because we weren't allowed to look anyone in the eyes and because they had us moving back and forth, the girls didn't notice when our owners left. I had been wondering how we were supposed to escape but they built in the opportunity for us. A couple of women came out and found us and so began our escape on the Underground Railroad.

We had to escape from a bounty hunter. (And I had forgotten just how fast Maurice can run.) Then we were helped by a Quaker family. (I tell you what, the Quaker's son was fione! I told this to Maurice on the way home and he goes "That's your take home lesson? The Quakers had a hot son?!") While the Quaker's son was leading us through the town, we were captured again and had to leave two of our party behind, which didn't have Maurice and me upset. Those teenagers would have been *dead* had we really been runaways. They were tramping through the corn stalks, talking and laughing. Then after we escaped out the back door, they went right up to these people at a campfire, assuming they were friendly. Fortunately they were. Our next stop was a free black family's home. Then we made it to the end where an old woman told us our "destiny". Maurice and I were both caught and returned to a plantation. Maurice died there. I, however, left his butt there and made it to freedom. :-D

We were then taken inside and some of the staff talked to us about our experience. The weirdest part was having to remind myself that it was okay to look white people in the eyes. I had gotten so used to not being allowed to look at anyone that I had to remind myself that I am a white, American female in the 21st century.

I recommend doing Follow the North Star. It gives you a lot to think about. Whenever the "bad" white people were yelling at us and calling us degrading names, all I could think was "They hated them for no good reason. The color of their skin." A lot of people probably never really even came into contact with the people they were enslaving. They simply left it to the overseers and "wolves" (the bounty hunters). I was reminded of this when I was reading '1984' this week. "If he (an average citizen) were allowed contact with foreigners he would discover that they are creatures similar to himself and that most of what he has been told about them is lies. The sealed world in which he lives would be broken, and the fear, hatred and self-righteousness on which his morale depends might evaporate." It is easy to fear and hate what you do not know. But that doesn't make it right.

Despite all of the evil in the world, despite the fact that people treat one another the way I was treated during this experience (and much, much worse), I still somehow believe in love. What's even more amazing is the fact that the people who went through it for real, the people who were really slaves, the people who were abused by the Nazis, the people who still today are hated for the color of their skin or the shape of their eyes, they still believe in love too. Not all of them. Some have become embittered. Because hate can do that, if you let it. But if you let it, then there is no use in putting up a fight. They have already won.

Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.